Undone: From Ashes to Beauty

Is it possible to be undone and then put back together in a better way? Yes! I know this can happen. 

Here is my story. 

I was raised as a church-going, straight-walking, clean-talking Southern Baptist girl. (Okay, maybe not that clean-talking.) I went to church at least three times a week from birth. I fell in love with Jesus while in my youth group at my church. My whole life was among my Christian circle of family and friends. Until…

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My Stupidity and Stubbornness Caught Up  with Me

At the young age of 18, I made a series of bad choices and ended up locked into marriage to a guy who had no love for me. After we were married he said he didn’t love me and showed this in many non-physical yet gut-wrenching ways. Because I messed up, I figured I deserved this, and because I was brought up to believe that marriage vows were never to be broken, I was looking at a life sentence in this sad existence. I lost contact with all my people. I could longer could go to church or family for solace, and I began to see church looking in from the outside. 

Every day for seven years I pleaded with God to heal my marriage. I went to a year or two of Christian counseling, and yet while I repeatedly grasped at any snippet of hope, nothing really ever changed. I was trapped and alone, and there was no way out that my belief system would approve. 

Then one day my husband told me he was leaving me and my two girls. Even though I was heartbroken at the time, I will be forever grateful to God for this. Within one week, I felt the cool, fresh breeze of relief. I no longer had to try to entice him to love me. I no longer had to hopelessly strive to earn his love. Just like that, a seven-year burden was lifted from my shoulders. I felt mental and even physical relief. God answered my prayer in that He used this evil for my good. Even now, over 40 years later, there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not grateful for this second chance at life and love. 

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D.I.V.O.R.C.E. is a Four Letter Word???

But divorce went against the teachings of my upbringing. A close family member strongly suggested to my parents that they should disown me for this. Thank the Lord, my parents did not disown me. However, I was ashamed of the pain and embarrassment this caused them and I never asked them for any help,  even though I sorely needed it. I would not and could not lean on them for support. I found that lack of child support and digging through the couch for money to buy the next gallon of milk was easy compared to living with someone who didn’t love me. 

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Let Me Be Clear 

Life on earth is not for wimps. When the Bible says God uses all things, those things are not all good things. Much of what I endured was born from sinful choices of myself and others. But all difficulties are not caused by bad choices. Some things happen because there is an adversary, and many horrible circumstances are straight from hell. And sadly, injustices happen, but there is nothing that can’t be turned around and used for the glory of God. 

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Undone and Redone

It was the isolation that was the biggest challenge. This is the experience that undid me. Part of this isolation was because of my shame over my bad choices and how they affected my innocent children. I built a wall to protect myself from others. With the eyes of an outsider, I saw the looks and heard the false rumors about me. Because of this treatment, I began to question everything I once held as truth.

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What God Did

It is difficult to confront your own misguided beliefs, realizing much of what you held as truth was really self-reliance and rule-following. In the Bible, dogmatism is referred to as being stiff-necked. I asked that I learn to never kick another while they are suffering. This truth-seeking process brought about a tenderness and understanding that were not a part of my DNA. It was like learning to walk again. But it resulted in freedom! It is for freedom that Jesus forgave me and set me free! God took my rigid, legalistic ideas and exchanged them for love and understanding. He put me back together better than before. It was Susan 2.0.

So off I went with a joyful new spring in my step. I moved my girls to a new town where I had my first full-time job teaching. Times were tough, but God provided over and over again. I was leaning into Him because He was all I had to carry me through the next day. And carry me, He did! I’ll say it again. God’s love, mercy, and gift of peace were in this difficult time of my life in a palpable way. 

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Here is a picture of the day God gave me a second chance at love. God is so good!

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When I look back, I see the good that God brought about from living through other low blows life has given me. It is from these difficulties that I grew up and learned. I often wonder, if I hadn’t gone through this, would I have ever softened? Without this learning opportunity, would I have been destined to become one of those opinionated old church ladies? I am a witness to God’s using all things to work together for His good. From each bump in the road, God brought about a closer relationship with Him. And if He did this for me, He can do it for anyone. In fact, I hope that you can look back at a point in life where you blew it. It is a pathway to leaning into the Father. 

Here is a very fitting song. Scars by I Am They

The Great Men in My Life

God has blessed my life with great men—my husband, my dad, and my father-in-law. I know many people feel lucky to have just one good man in their lives. I’ve been given three. I am truly blessed.

🎢 Camp Fear or Camp Fun?

 

How hope—not fear—changes the ride

Scripture:

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

—John 16:33 (NIV)

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There are two types of people when it comes to roller coasters—those who scream in terror and those who scream with joy. Everyone seems to land in one camp or the other. People in Camp Fear find the sensation of falling out of control too much to handle. The people in Camp Fun? Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on in their heads—because I belong squarely in the first group.

But maybe that’s the key: what’s going on in our heads. One group interprets the feeling of plummeting as exhilarating. The other? We’re just trying not to barf. It all starts with how we think.

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So how do we in Camp Fear overcome anxiety?

It’s not just about roller coasters.

Fear of cancer, Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, the loss of loved ones—and for me, Dallas traffic—are all very real. We’ve seen it. We know 💩 happens. Life can—and will—go wrong.

So if all that is true, how do we overcome fear?

The Bible tells us “do not fear” more than 300 times. That tells me two things: (1) fear is part of the human condition, and (2) we are called to something better. God doesn’t ask us to fly without wings—and I don’t believe He would command “fear not” without giving us a way to do it.

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Is fear the opposite of faith?

I used to think so. That if I feared, I lacked faith. And then came the guilt.

But Moses experienced both. So did David. Jesus, in the garden, was deeply troubled. Maybe fear isn’t always the absence of faith. Maybe it’s a mindset.

I fear the blows that life (or the enemy) might deal me or my loved ones. This world is hard. God promises to bring beauty from ashes, but I still dread the fire. Maybe that dread is where the enemy wins—not just in the pain, but in the anticipation of pain.

I’m not about to pretend that God makes life on earth rosy. He doesn’t promise that. But when I let fear dominate my mind, I destroy my chance at joy. Maybe this is why God commands us not to fear—because fear robs us of the joy of walking through life with the Spirit.

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Fear may not be the opposite of faith.

Maybe it’s the opposite of hope.

Hope keeps our eyes on the final outcome.

Fear fixates on the next possible disaster.

God can bring beauty from ashes—but fear? I can’t recall Him ever transforming that into something beautiful. Fear poisons relationships. It wears down our bodies. It steals our joy and blinds us to God’s nearness.

So maybe the answer isn’t to expect an easy ride—but to throw up our hands and trust the track.

Because in the end, God wins.

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Reflection:

When I find myself white-knuckling through the day, I must remember my hope. I must pry each finger off the safety bar, throw my hands in the air, and join Camp Fun. Not because life is painless—but because the ride ends in glory.

Let the enemy do his worst—I know how the story ends.