Undone: From Ashes to Beauty

Is it possible to be undone and then put back together in a better way? Yes! I know this can happen. 

Here is my story. 

I was raised as a church-going, straight-walking, clean-talking Southern Baptist girl. (Okay, maybe not that clean-talking.) I went to church at least three times a week from birth. I fell in love with Jesus while in my youth group at my church. My whole life was among my Christian circle of family and friends. Until…

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My Stupidity and Stubbornness Caught Up  with Me

At the young age of 18, I made a series of bad choices and ended up locked into marriage to a guy who had no love for me. After we were married he said he didn’t love me and showed this in many non-physical yet gut-wrenching ways. Because I messed up, I figured I deserved this, and because I was brought up to believe that marriage vows were never to be broken, I was looking at a life sentence in this sad existence. I lost contact with all my people. I could longer could go to church or family for solace, and I began to see church looking in from the outside. 

Every day for seven years I pleaded with God to heal my marriage. I went to a year or two of Christian counseling, and yet while I repeatedly grasped at any snippet of hope, nothing really ever changed. I was trapped and alone, and there was no way out that my belief system would approve. 

Then one day my husband told me he was leaving me and my two girls. Even though I was heartbroken at the time, I will be forever grateful to God for this. Within one week, I felt the cool, fresh breeze of relief. I no longer had to try to entice him to love me. I no longer had to hopelessly strive to earn his love. Just like that, a seven-year burden was lifted from my shoulders. I felt mental and even physical relief. God answered my prayer in that He used this evil for my good. Even now, over 40 years later, there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not grateful for this second chance at life and love. 

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D.I.V.O.R.C.E. is a Four Letter Word???

But divorce went against the teachings of my upbringing. A close family member strongly suggested to my parents that they should disown me for this. Thank the Lord, my parents did not disown me. However, I was ashamed of the pain and embarrassment this caused them and I never asked them for any help,  even though I sorely needed it. I would not and could not lean on them for support. I found that lack of child support and digging through the couch for money to buy the next gallon of milk was easy compared to living with someone who didn’t love me. 

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Let Me Be Clear 

Life on earth is not for wimps. When the Bible says God uses all things, those things are not all good things. Much of what I endured was born from sinful choices of myself and others. But all difficulties are not caused by bad choices. Some things happen because there is an adversary, and many horrible circumstances are straight from hell. And sadly, injustices happen, but there is nothing that can’t be turned around and used for the glory of God. 

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Undone and Redone

It was the isolation that was the biggest challenge. This is the experience that undid me. Part of this isolation was because of my shame over my bad choices and how they affected my innocent children. I built a wall to protect myself from others. With the eyes of an outsider, I saw the looks and heard the false rumors about me. Because of this treatment, I began to question everything I once held as truth.

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What God Did

It is difficult to confront your own misguided beliefs, realizing much of what you held as truth was really self-reliance and rule-following. In the Bible, dogmatism is referred to as being stiff-necked. I asked that I learn to never kick another while they are suffering. This truth-seeking process brought about a tenderness and understanding that were not a part of my DNA. It was like learning to walk again. But it resulted in freedom! It is for freedom that Jesus forgave me and set me free! God took my rigid, legalistic ideas and exchanged them for love and understanding. He put me back together better than before. It was Susan 2.0.

So off I went with a joyful new spring in my step. I moved my girls to a new town where I had my first full-time job teaching. Times were tough, but God provided over and over again. I was leaning into Him because He was all I had to carry me through the next day. And carry me, He did! I’ll say it again. God’s love, mercy, and gift of peace were in this difficult time of my life in a palpable way. 

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Here is a picture of the day God gave me a second chance at love. God is so good!

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When I look back, I see the good that God brought about from living through other low blows life has given me. It is from these difficulties that I grew up and learned. I often wonder, if I hadn’t gone through this, would I have ever softened? Without this learning opportunity, would I have been destined to become one of those opinionated old church ladies? I am a witness to God’s using all things to work together for His good. From each bump in the road, God brought about a closer relationship with Him. And if He did this for me, He can do it for anyone. In fact, I hope that you can look back at a point in life where you blew it. It is a pathway to leaning into the Father. 

Here is a very fitting song. Scars by I Am They

Changing Your Mind

There is nothing more frustrating than waiting for people to change their minds. As a former science teacher who has had to teach girls to overcome the lie of “I’m not good at science,” I have battled this and many other stubborn beliefs (lies) that people cling to. In my new career I battle the, I’m not good at technology, mindset. There is nothing more debilitating than the lies that we tell ourselves on a daily basis! I personally battle lies in my own head like, “I’m not a people person,” and “I am bad at dancing, running, catching, throwing and moving in general.”  We all tell ourselves lies on a minute by minute basis.  

How do we change our mindset?  How do we stop the lies? Well, I am pretty sure the answer to that is ‘slowly’.  Today, I was reading the famous story of Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt. As I was reading, I thought, “Why didn’t God just zap the Egyptians and get it done? Why did he draw things out with plagues and failures”? Then it came to me.  He was weaning the Israelites away from dependence on the Egyptians, while he was increasing their dependence on God. It was a change of mindset that required all that time and drama! God was applying time and pressure to the right places. And as we know, there is no slower process than the process of changing stubborn human minds.  

So this led me to wonder about all the times I thought God was moving too slowly in answering my prayers. Maybe he was waiting on me to change my mindset and allowing pressure to be applied in all the right places.  Maybe God was patiently teaching me a new way of thinking before he changed my circumstances. Or maybe the change of mindset was the answer to my prayers.

Lord, please show me the lies I tell myself daily.  Please apply patient pressure to help me change my stinking thinking.  

Changes

Have you ever witnessed the drama of a high school senior's last year in high school?  As a retired high school teacher and parent of three, I have.  Knowing of the impending departure makes parents and children act crazy! Most of the time both the parents and the soon-to-be graduates begin picking out faults in each other.  Then the hurtful words are returned and tears are shed. Sometimes it escalates to the point that parents are ready to slam the door shut when their child walks out yelling, don’t let the door hit ya’ where the Good Lord split ya’! Graduates and parents don’t really mean the hurtful things they say, they are just trying to work the band aid off slowly, hoping it will hurt less when the moment of loss actually arrives.  Graduation is just one example of major life changes.  Some others are a change of job, moving, marriage, divorce, retiring, changing schools or changing churches.  As adults in transition, we often begin picking at our current relationships in a way similar to what seniors in high school do, trying to anesthetize our loss.

I am a seasoned “transitioner”. In my 60 years, I have moved 27 times, changed employers over 20 times and witnessed 36 graduating classes.  If you are in a season of life changes, here are are my words of advice.  

1. Rein in your wandering mind. I think 2 Corinthians 10:5 applies here. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. It is so hard to stay in the present; sometimes the future is so much more exciting.  It is good and natural to be excited about your prospects. But now is the time to be present in the moment.  There is a time and place for everything. A good rule of thumb is if you physically haven’t stepped into the new place, do not spend time there mentally.  I hate to tell you, but most of your mental preparation will prove wrong anyway. At least mine always did. Stay in the present even if it is painful, boring and tedious. I have found the best way to stay present in the moment is to throw myself into the task at hand, striving for the best ever transition, leaving the place healthier than I found it.  Ecclesiastes 3:1,7 NIV [1] There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: [7] a time to tear and a time to mend... The time to tear will come, and just like a band aid, rip it off quickly at the proper time and move on.
2. Remember you are not the only one who is going through this. Unfortunately, this is where I always blew my exit. I forgot that the people I love are forced into this transition by my decision and may feel hurt and resentment.  Reach out to them with love.  Let them know how much you will miss them in deeds, not mere words.  And I mean...seek them out. Spend time with them. Actions speak so much louder than words.  And remember the saying, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the ones you are with.”
3. Trust God’s provision for the actual moment when you step out the door.  A big part of the reason we mishandle goodbyes is because we are anxious about the future.  Remind yourself of the command in Philippians 4:6-7. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, submit your requests to God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. I love this passage because it is not just a command, but a simple recipe on how to carry it out. Pray and be thankful. This will result in peace from God that will guard your anxious heart and mind.  

Lord I ask that you give me grace to let those I love leave and the presence of mind to love and spend time with those that are still with me.