Undone: From Ashes to Beauty

Is it possible to be undone and then put back together in a better way? Yes! I know this can happen. 

Here is my story. 

I was raised as a church-going, straight-walking, clean-talking Southern Baptist girl. (Okay, maybe not that clean-talking.) I went to church at least three times a week from birth. I fell in love with Jesus while in my youth group at my church. My whole life was among my Christian circle of family and friends. Until…

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My Stupidity and Stubbornness Caught Up  with Me

At the young age of 18, I made a series of bad choices and ended up locked into marriage to a guy who had no love for me. After we were married he said he didn’t love me and showed this in many non-physical yet gut-wrenching ways. Because I messed up, I figured I deserved this, and because I was brought up to believe that marriage vows were never to be broken, I was looking at a life sentence in this sad existence. I lost contact with all my people. I could longer could go to church or family for solace, and I began to see church looking in from the outside. 

Every day for seven years I pleaded with God to heal my marriage. I went to a year or two of Christian counseling, and yet while I repeatedly grasped at any snippet of hope, nothing really ever changed. I was trapped and alone, and there was no way out that my belief system would approve. 

Then one day my husband told me he was leaving me and my two girls. Even though I was heartbroken at the time, I will be forever grateful to God for this. Within one week, I felt the cool, fresh breeze of relief. I no longer had to try to entice him to love me. I no longer had to hopelessly strive to earn his love. Just like that, a seven-year burden was lifted from my shoulders. I felt mental and even physical relief. God answered my prayer in that He used this evil for my good. Even now, over 40 years later, there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not grateful for this second chance at life and love. 

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D.I.V.O.R.C.E. is a Four Letter Word???

But divorce went against the teachings of my upbringing. A close family member strongly suggested to my parents that they should disown me for this. Thank the Lord, my parents did not disown me. However, I was ashamed of the pain and embarrassment this caused them and I never asked them for any help,  even though I sorely needed it. I would not and could not lean on them for support. I found that lack of child support and digging through the couch for money to buy the next gallon of milk was easy compared to living with someone who didn’t love me. 

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Let Me Be Clear 

Life on earth is not for wimps. When the Bible says God uses all things, those things are not all good things. Much of what I endured was born from sinful choices of myself and others. But all difficulties are not caused by bad choices. Some things happen because there is an adversary, and many horrible circumstances are straight from hell. And sadly, injustices happen, but there is nothing that can’t be turned around and used for the glory of God. 

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Undone and Redone

It was the isolation that was the biggest challenge. This is the experience that undid me. Part of this isolation was because of my shame over my bad choices and how they affected my innocent children. I built a wall to protect myself from others. With the eyes of an outsider, I saw the looks and heard the false rumors about me. Because of this treatment, I began to question everything I once held as truth.

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What God Did

It is difficult to confront your own misguided beliefs, realizing much of what you held as truth was really self-reliance and rule-following. In the Bible, dogmatism is referred to as being stiff-necked. I asked that I learn to never kick another while they are suffering. This truth-seeking process brought about a tenderness and understanding that were not a part of my DNA. It was like learning to walk again. But it resulted in freedom! It is for freedom that Jesus forgave me and set me free! God took my rigid, legalistic ideas and exchanged them for love and understanding. He put me back together better than before. It was Susan 2.0.

So off I went with a joyful new spring in my step. I moved my girls to a new town where I had my first full-time job teaching. Times were tough, but God provided over and over again. I was leaning into Him because He was all I had to carry me through the next day. And carry me, He did! I’ll say it again. God’s love, mercy, and gift of peace were in this difficult time of my life in a palpable way. 

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Here is a picture of the day God gave me a second chance at love. God is so good!

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When I look back, I see the good that God brought about from living through other low blows life has given me. It is from these difficulties that I grew up and learned. I often wonder, if I hadn’t gone through this, would I have ever softened? Without this learning opportunity, would I have been destined to become one of those opinionated old church ladies? I am a witness to God’s using all things to work together for His good. From each bump in the road, God brought about a closer relationship with Him. And if He did this for me, He can do it for anyone. In fact, I hope that you can look back at a point in life where you blew it. It is a pathway to leaning into the Father. 

Here is a very fitting song. Scars by I Am They

Christianity Based on Perception

Luke 6:32-36 NIV

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

The homeless beggar on the street

The coworker who is always on time and helpful
The coworker who is always late and surly
The coworker who doesn't deserve the position he is in
The head of the company, CEO
The salesman who sold me a lemon car
The checker with a long line at the grocery store
The guy who holds the door for me
The lady who cuts in line in front of me
Those who have a lifestyle that is different from mine
Those who campaign against abortion
Those who campaign for a woman’s right to abortion
Drug addicts

Drug dealer

Guy who broke into my house

Policemen
Firemen

My ex-husband

My boss

Those who are swindling the welfare system 

My elderly parents

The nurse caring for the elderly

The coworker who snitches on everyone

My pastor

That argumentative atheist on Facebook

My child’s teacher who obviously hates my child

The coach who won’t let my child off of the bench

The kind, hardworking custodian

Wife-beaters

Neo-Nazis

Left extremists

Nancy Pelosi

Donald Trump

I need to spend a little time thinking about treating everyone as God’s child, and not just those who I deem worthy. Treating “good” people well and “bad” people poorly is a worldly point of view and not at all like Christ. I should treat all of those on the list above with kindness and equity. This is what Jesus called me to do.  He loves them all and as his child, he expects me to do the same.  I am not called to judge, but to love.  And the main point is “Who am I to judge?”

While watching a popular high school girl helping a fellow student with her homework, I noticed how kind and caring she was to this lonely girl who had a foul odor and shabby clothing. People even commented on what a compassionate heart the popular girl had. Then I watched this same popular girl in a very different situation act hateful to someone that she perceived as a bad guy. 

How many times do I, like this popular high school girl, act kindly to those who I perceive as worthy of my kindness while at the same time, act cold to those who I blame for some circumstance in my life? How many times do I ignore someone who made a decision that I dislike? It seems that we as Christians will stop everything to care for, and talk to those who we deem worthy, but we do not bother to reach out to those who we perceive as a threat or those in whom we disagree. Is there really any difference at all in the way I treat people and the way a non-Christian treats people? 

Image by John Hain from Pixabay 

Lord, please forgive my sin of judging. Help me to be Christ-like to all. Help me see when my judgment gets in the way of my Christian witness. Help me remember that a Christianity based on my perception is not Christianity at all. It is nothing like You called me to be. May I be the light and salt to the world, even on social media. You called me to love and not to judge. And most of all, may my eyes be on You.  

Letting Go

As long as I can remember, I loved God.  However, I must admit, I used to think of prayer and meditation time as a bit of a chore, something to check off the list.  Now I crave it.  I used to wonder how people said they heard from God.  Now I hear from Him daily.  So the question comes to mind, “How did I get where I am in my relationship with God”? It did not happen overnight but it did have a starting point and, thank the Lord, there is no ending point.  But what initiated this change?  What gave it direction?  What gave it this depth and breadth?  What was the switch that started this changing process in me?

Change does not happen without true conviction.  This happened for me about 10 years ago when my life became more challenging than ever.  It was not because of things I did but because of uncontrollable circumstances surrounding me.  These circumstances were directly from the enemy.  The enemy was attacking everything in my life that I held as dear.   When this point in my life arrived, I realized that I needed God because my problems devastated me and were so much bigger than what I could handle alone.  I came to him in prayer, broken and hurting.  This was a prayer that cried out from deep inside of me.  My husband and I were grieving incredible losses and heinous attacks in our family’s life.  This is the point where the growth of my Christian life began.  It reminds me of the proclamation of Joseph to his brothers.  Genesis 50:20 NIV [20] You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  What people did to hurt me and my family, God used to save lives.  

At this point in my life, I began by making my first big decision based on what God wanted, not on what I thought best.  This was the beginning of my ‘letting go’ and dying to my own desires.

John 12:24-26 NIV [24] Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. [25] Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. [26] Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

I surrendered my control over things that, before this point, were my decision alone. And I did this vocally to my husband to keep myself accountable.  The respect and approval of my husband is paramount to me so this part took a lot of guts.  I didn’t want to look like a fanatic and had to realize that was only the enemy talking in my own head.  My husband was going through all these trials with me, and we became even closer in this period of difficulties.

This change over the last ten years has been a process and this process is far from smooth sailing.  It has been a dance with God.  Sometimes I take over and try to lead only to fail miserably.  However, there have been precious moments when I set aside my fear and allowed my Savior to pick me up and carry me forward cradled in his arms. 

This brings me to the very important step of priorities. Before this point I was choosing to study God’s word whenever I found a convenient opportunity but my decision-making was based primarily on me and not God. I had to choose to make God my first priority in my life, not fit him in at a convenient time. I had to let go of my right to sleep in an extra 30 minutes. I learned this lesson through my church but the Spirit gave me the desire and power to pull this off. It didn’t come without failures.  When I skipped this time with Him, God helped me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again in pursuing him first thing in my day until it is no longer an effort but a privilege. It is a time that I anticipate every day.  

Probably the decision to find a church that was all about God and not a social life was integral in this change. The church God led us to was functioning the way God meant it to function. Their priorities are to love God, love others, and serve the world.  This order is important.  We cannot serve the world without first loving God and others, because that would be legalistic. And loving God first involves authentic heartfelt worship. God then plants that love of others in our soul.  This church is not about cerebral exercise but real action. They truly serve the world.  

I have to be faithful with this plan and not flit around, looking to speed things up, remembering that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I have to fight battles with my sin daily when the lies speak louder than the truth, and find forgiveness and strength in Him to overcome. This seeking him daily, asking Him to draw me closer is powered by God.  Each day, I am letting go to a bit more of my selfishness.  Each day it is bringing me freedom that can only come from Him.  Each day is better with Him.