Letting Go

As long as I can remember, I loved God.  However, I must admit, I used to think of prayer and meditation time as a bit of a chore, something to check off the list.  Now I crave it.  I used to wonder how people said they heard from God.  Now I hear from Him daily.  So the question comes to mind, “How did I get where I am in my relationship with God”? It did not happen overnight but it did have a starting point and, thank the Lord, there is no ending point.  But what initiated this change?  What gave it direction?  What gave it this depth and breadth?  What was the switch that started this changing process in me?

Change does not happen without true conviction.  This happened for me about 10 years ago when my life became more challenging than ever.  It was not because of things I did but because of uncontrollable circumstances surrounding me.  These circumstances were directly from the enemy.  The enemy was attacking everything in my life that I held as dear.   When this point in my life arrived, I realized that I needed God because my problems devastated me and were so much bigger than what I could handle alone.  I came to him in prayer, broken and hurting.  This was a prayer that cried out from deep inside of me.  My husband and I were grieving incredible losses and heinous attacks in our family’s life.  This is the point where the growth of my Christian life began.  It reminds me of the proclamation of Joseph to his brothers.  Genesis 50:20 NIV [20] You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.  What people did to hurt me and my family, God used to save lives.  

At this point in my life, I began by making my first big decision based on what God wanted, not on what I thought best.  This was the beginning of my ‘letting go’ and dying to my own desires.

John 12:24-26 NIV [24] Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. [25] Anyone who loves their life will lose it, while anyone who hates their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. [26] Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me.

I surrendered my control over things that, before this point, were my decision alone. And I did this vocally to my husband to keep myself accountable.  The respect and approval of my husband is paramount to me so this part took a lot of guts.  I didn’t want to look like a fanatic and had to realize that was only the enemy talking in my own head.  My husband was going through all these trials with me, and we became even closer in this period of difficulties.

This change over the last ten years has been a process and this process is far from smooth sailing.  It has been a dance with God.  Sometimes I take over and try to lead only to fail miserably.  However, there have been precious moments when I set aside my fear and allowed my Savior to pick me up and carry me forward cradled in his arms. 

This brings me to the very important step of priorities. Before this point I was choosing to study God’s word whenever I found a convenient opportunity but my decision-making was based primarily on me and not God. I had to choose to make God my first priority in my life, not fit him in at a convenient time. I had to let go of my right to sleep in an extra 30 minutes. I learned this lesson through my church but the Spirit gave me the desire and power to pull this off. It didn’t come without failures.  When I skipped this time with Him, God helped me pick myself up, dust myself off and begin again in pursuing him first thing in my day until it is no longer an effort but a privilege. It is a time that I anticipate every day.  

Probably the decision to find a church that was all about God and not a social life was integral in this change. The church God led us to was functioning the way God meant it to function. Their priorities are to love God, love others, and serve the world.  This order is important.  We cannot serve the world without first loving God and others, because that would be legalistic. And loving God first involves authentic heartfelt worship. God then plants that love of others in our soul.  This church is not about cerebral exercise but real action. They truly serve the world.  

I have to be faithful with this plan and not flit around, looking to speed things up, remembering that this is not a sprint, it is a marathon. I have to fight battles with my sin daily when the lies speak louder than the truth, and find forgiveness and strength in Him to overcome. This seeking him daily, asking Him to draw me closer is powered by God.  Each day, I am letting go to a bit more of my selfishness.  Each day it is bringing me freedom that can only come from Him.  Each day is better with Him.  

One-of-a-Kind

It was two years ago that she passed away while I was holding her hand, and I was left alone in her room.  Our life together had come full circle since she was there at my birth, and I was there at her death. Our mother-daughter relationship was far from normal.  She was a kid at heart, and I was an adult at heart. Now I realize this was my coping mechanism. As a child, she made my life fun while at the same time making it difficult.   She did want the best for me and did her best to make it happen. She liked to sew and was quite good at it.  She let me design clothes and then she would make them. She sewed all my clothes until I was about 15.  At that time she started a small bookkeeping business and used her income to buy me clothes from the best department store in our little town so I would fit in.  She was a 'cool mom' on one particular occasion when she snuck me out of the house to go to my junior prom. (Daddy didn't want me dancing.)

Mom led an active life as a homemaker and preacher's wife.  She loved music, sang in the choir, and when needed, led music at church, played the piano, sang in duets or did an occasional solo.  She loved 'teenagers' and even led the youth group in church when needed. I remember how much fun she had working with youth. She also knew her bible and taught Sunday school and many bible studies.  She was a preacher's kid who graduated from Baylor and met my dad while attending Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Mom loved Women's Missionary Union and insisted we pray for missionaries by name every day.  I can remember when she would see the Jehovah's Witness guys coming down the street and go get her specially marked bible with talking points to greet them at the door. She knew what she believed and why she believed it.  She was a force to be reckoned with.

My quick-witted mom was smart, and she loved to fix things.  Shortly before the dementia began stealing her mind, she bought a computer and assembled it from the box by herself then proceeded to teach herself how to use it.  She was the person to go to for repairs. She loved to redecorate but was on a pastor's-wife-budget, so she just constantly sewed curtains, reupholstered and moved furniture.  And that was when we weren't moving the furniture to a new house, trying to make her happy. This was our sign that something was not quite right with mom. I had no idea for 50 years she was dealing with an inner demon of a bipolar disorder. I can remember the hours I spent standing at the Hallmark card counter before Mother's Day trying to find a card I could give her with a straight face and a sincere heart. Many times I had to walk away from the store laughing and crying, wondering how Hallmark made up this stuff.  

In 2010, while she and dad were in the wonderful care of Buckner Baptist Assisted Living in Dallas, she was diagnosed as bipolar.  Finally, all the pieces fell into place. I no longer wondered if everyone else's mom was like this, and they were ok with it.  My lifetime of questions were answered. In 2014, after an episode of mom's bad behavior at her nursing home in Ennis, I was commiserating with her nurse.  The nurse looked at me and said, "You know, your mom didn't make the choice to be bipolar". And from that point on I began to see mom in a new light. She lived silently with a disorder that now would be treated with counseling and medication.

I have come to realize that as much as she may have missed the motherhood mark, she got the  most important thing right: Every time the doors were open, she and dad brought us to church where we learned about a personal relationship with a loving God.  She knew this was the link to the one thing that would hold a person together when all else fails. This was passed on to us, and I am eternally grateful.

In her Bible, shown above, she noted 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.  Next to this she wrote, "spiritual maturity DON'T GIVE UP".

I know now that she had a thorn in her side. I can't imagine the struggles in her life. She silently dealt with this disorder without counseling, understanding or medication. However difficult it was for her, she knew where her strength came from. Just like all of us, God used what she gave him. I look forward to seeing her again without that affliction and I hope she can forgive my lack of understanding for what she was going through.  

A Friend in Need...

My friend entered the world over 60 years ago today.  But I didn’t meet her until around 1982.  We lived in our college married student housing.  She was in a duplex across the street from my apartment.  Our lives back then were tough.  We were both living through the challenges of being young married parents who were struggling to make ends meet and go to school.  MaryJane sat next to me in genetics and was open to friendship.  We struck it off immediately with her quirky sense of humor and my love of laughing and genetics. 

MaryJane saw me through some of the rockiest times of my life.  She saw my graduation, the birth of my second child and the break down of my marriage.  God sent her to me exactly when I needed her most.  Then, just as quickly, we graduated and went our separate ways.  We have kept track of each other over the years but it is not the same.  

Throughout my life I have had many timely friendships that in turn slip away for various reasons and I mourn them. However, I remember how God sent me MaryJane in his perfect timing and God is good. 

Proverbs 17:17 NIV

[17] A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Happy Birthday MaryJane!

I Want Justice!

The Bible is full of themes that tie it together from Genesis to Revelation.  My heart was filled when I discovered, or rather re-discovered, a theme yesterday.  So please give me the pleasure of tracing my steps with you.  

It started with the story in Genesis 27 of Jacob and Esau.  In a nutshell, Esau is Isaac’s first born son and Jacob tricks him out of his birthright with a pot of stew and some well-placed goat hide.  And just like that, Jacob the deceiver, steals the birthright from his brother. I get a little miffed every time I read about the connivance and deceit that goes on behind the scenes in this story.  While thinking about this unfairness another Bible story that seems unfair came to mind.  It was Job, a good guy that loses it all.  Understanding that story is no small undertaking.  And in the New Testament, the Christian-murdering Saul is given a second chance.  What about the parables of Jesus where some people are given more talents (gold) than others and the guy that gets the least buries it and gets scolded? Or the one where workers who were hired in the last hour received the same wages as those who worked all day?  And don’t forget the prodigal son who demands his inheritance, runs away and blows it all then comes crawling back to find a welcome home party fit for a king.  

Each of these stories makes me want to shout, “That is unfair!”  It is a gut reaction.  Isn’t God supposed to set things right?  If he doesn’t care about justice then what is this all about?  Why did God put all these difficult stories in the Bible?  By the way, this is more proof of the Bible's true author because humans would have edited these stories a long time ago. And why did so many of Jesus’ parables address tension over perceived injustices?  We humans care deeply about justice; at least justice on our terms and in our own eyes.  We care about justice from our point of view.  So how do we reconcile the appearance of inconsistency in God’s justice?  

While comparing these stories I saw something that I never noticed before.  In each of the stories above, the point was not the bad or good circumstances but how the main characters reacted to those circumstances.  Take a quick look at the end of each story.  Jacob the deceiver ended up struggling many years with his father-in-law and with God. He learned obedience and became the father of the Israelite nation. Job ended up even closer to God with a new view of God’s justice and blessed beyond measure. Saul the murderer, given a second chance became the Apostle Paul who is still teaching us 2000 years later. The servant who buried his talents remained bitter and fearful. The hired workers who worked all day for their promised wages got what they signed up for and the prodigal son was given a second chance just as God gives us all.  

In each of these instances God’s justice was in the changed life, or lack of, rather than on the unfair event.  It seems that God’s justice does not always happen by changing our fortune but by changing our hearts.  His currency is not ours.  That is why it is so hard to understand some of those Bible stories and why we struggle to understand God's justice.  God is a just God. There are many scriptures that tell us this in both Old and New Testament.  Here are a few of them.

Psalm 50:6 NIV

[6] And the heavens proclaim his righteousness, for he is a God of justice.

Isaiah 5:16 NIV

[16] But the Lord Almighty will be exalted by his justice, and the holy God will be proved holy by his righteous acts.

Matthew 12:18 NIV

[18] “Here is my servant whom I have chosen, the one I love, in whom I delight; I will put my Spirit on him, and he will proclaim justice to the nations.

Revelation 19:11 NIV

[11] I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and wages war.

We expect him to heal our body but he chooses to heal our hearts.  We expect him to reward our good behavior, but he sends rain that helps us grow.  We expect him to punish people who do us wrong but he chooses to give them (and us) a second chance.  We expect him to make things easier on us because we are good God-fearing folks, but he allows the tragedies of this world to prune us and force new growth in other parts of our life giving the opportunity to draw even closer to him.  We expect God to change our situation but God chooses to change our perspective in life.  Just because we lack the ability to predict God's justice doesn't make him unfair. We must start dealing in God’s currency to begin to understand his justice.

Isaiah 30:18 NIV

[18] Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!

Zechariah 7:9 NIV

[9] “This is what the Lord Almighty said: 'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

Lord, help us to exhibit your true justice, full of mercy and compassion, and accept your justice even when we don’t understand.