Interrupted

Everything was going great, my prayers were answered daily, I loved my job, I loved my new passion to blog, I loved learning new things for my job, and my children were doing better then I ever imagined.  The interruption started gradually throughout a couple of weeks but my awareness of it came to me suddenly while attending a funeral. It really had nothing to do with the loss although that was sad.  I became acutely aware of the presence of a dark heavy blanket folded around me and it would not let the light shine through. Although that is rather cliche and not a good way to describe it.  The next two paragraphs better describe it. 

All my desires are mere shadows now.  The things that once thrilled me cannot pierce this darkness. My thoughts are not completed.  Self-demeaning thoughts dominated. My efforts are not completed, nothing is getting done.  I don’t want to wake up in the morning, take a shower, get dressed, eat, cook, sew, read, look at Facebook, or complete this blog.  My life is undone. 

Did I mention how irritable I am?  Yeah, when I try to act normal I become agitated at every little thing.  Or how long it takes me to complete a simple task?  As if I ever completed anything anymore.  Or the lack of concentration?  Yeah. This is depression.  How do I know?  I googled it.  Too bad you can’t google a cure.  

So while I pray for God to help me, I will try everything I can to dig myself out.  I am pretty sure it has something to do with a medication that my Rheumatologist was trying on me.  It tore up my stomach and my mind and I am now hurting in places I didn’t know could hurt.  I quit the medication but the depression, RA pain and stomach damage is still there.  And since I believe medication caused this mess, I have no desire to medicate this side effect of the medication.  

I know Lord, you don’t usually fix my problems but you give me strength to bear up under them.  Please Lord, give me strength.  Thank you for giving me the strength to finish this blog. That was a major breakthrough.  

Freedom

Do you have any ghosts of unfulfilled past expectations that haunt you?  I do. As a little girl, I quickly learned that women who loved God could go to a foreign country, teach, preach, love, and heal, living a life of adventure with God.  But at home, I thought that women who loved God could only work in the nursery, teach children, or bake casseroles.  The choice to me was a no-brainer.  So at an early age I dedicated myself to foreign missions because I loved God and wanted to live a life for him the best way I possibly could.  As my life unfolded in a totally different direction, I always felt that pang of guilt for that broken promise.  I know now that foreign missions are not the only way God can use women, however that ghost of failure always haunts me.  

The distinguishing mark of shame for me comes with an intense need to keep it on the ‘down low’.  I want to hide my shortcomings for fear of what people might think.  Shame keeps things hidden and never talked about.  Shame is an imposter because it comes from the greatest imposter of all time.  Shame keeps those skeletons in the closet with the door tightly locked.  Shame builds walls of embarrassment between me and those who love me.  Shame is the author of depression and mental instability, causing me to imagine the worst reaction from my family and friends should they hear my truth. Shame leads to a life of bondage to the fear of being truly known.  

Shame can also come from an event in which you have no control such as abuse.  And often I find shame stemming from my perceived personal failures whether I am truly at fault or not. I have learned that to discern the difference you must step back and take an impersonal look at yourself and the situation to determine your own culpability.  If this situation happened to a friend, did their own sinful choices cause it? If the answer is no, then you are dealing with shame and not sin and you need to seek help in dealing with it.  By stepping back, I see my desire to dedicate my life to foreign missions came from a pure heart for God coupled with a narrow view of him.  My narrow view was based on the only life I knew as a young child. So my shame is just shame and not sin although sin wrapped its fingers in every decision that I made along the way complicating everything.  

It is difficult to distinguish between guilt over sin you committed and shame about that same sin.  They often travel together.  However, their source is vastly different.  And sometimes our guilt is buried so deeply that we, ourselves don’t even know it is there without counseling or honest, soul-searching quiet time spent with God. Guilt turns to shame or denial if we never face our own truth.  It is choosing to deal with your reality that prevents this defeated cycle.  It is choosing honesty over pride that leads to freedom.  However, if there is any fault of my own involved, my first step in dealing with my sin is my Father God. So my go-to is to bring it to God and let him sort it out.  

1 John 1:8-10 NIV

[8] If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. [9] If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. [10] If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.

I must first admit to him what I have done, truly regretting the action.  God sent his Son to die on the cross for my sins, so he knows the effect buried sin can have on my life and took drastic action to give me a way out of myself. Think about this: if we chose to deny our sin and not confess it, we are saying, “I’ve got this, Lord. You sent your Son to die for nothing.”  

After confessing my sin to God, I must trust that he forgave me and choose not to go back to that mud hole and wallow.  Will I mess up again?  Only if I am human.  But Jesus knows the struggle and he will forgive me again as long as I sincerely regret it.  In fact, if you have been denying your sin as long as I have, you will need to think hard every day to remember any offenses.  

Psalm 139:23-24 NIV

[23] Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. [24] See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

Like David in this passage, ask him to search your heart and bring it to the surface.  Then promptly, with a contrite attitude, confess this.  This is the pathway to mental stability and peace for your soul.  But you are not done yet.  

How do you deal with the shame you may have harbored over some of those sins? Because of the barriers you have built in the past, shame will still be there nagging you after you have laid your sin down before God.  You must be honest with others, opening the door to truth.  Somehow in an organic, God-inspired way you will be given a chance to admit this shame to someone in your circle.  When you choose to do this, you will have a thousand pound burden of shame lifted from your shoulders.  This, my friend, is freedom from chains.  

Galatians 5:1 NIV

[1] It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let 

yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Slavery?

Or freedom?