Everything was going great, my prayers were answered daily, I loved my job, I loved my new passion to blog, I loved learning new things for my job, and my children were doing better then I ever imagined. The interruption started gradually throughout a couple of weeks but my awareness of it came to me suddenly while attending a funeral. It really had nothing to do with the loss although that was sad. I became acutely aware of the presence of a dark heavy blanket folded around me and it would not let the light shine through. Although that is rather cliche and not a good way to describe it. The next two paragraphs better describe it.
All my desires are mere shadows now. The things that once thrilled me cannot pierce this darkness. My thoughts are not completed. Self-demeaning thoughts dominated. My efforts are not completed, nothing is getting done. I don’t want to wake up in the morning, take a shower, get dressed, eat, cook, sew, read, look at Facebook, or complete this blog. My life is undone.
Did I mention how irritable I am? Yeah, when I try to act normal I become agitated at every little thing. Or how long it takes me to complete a simple task? As if I ever completed anything anymore. Or the lack of concentration? Yeah. This is depression. How do I know? I googled it. Too bad you can’t google a cure.
So while I pray for God to help me, I will try everything I can to dig myself out. I am pretty sure it has something to do with a medication that my Rheumatologist was trying on me. It tore up my stomach and my mind and I am now hurting in places I didn’t know could hurt. I quit the medication but the depression, RA pain and stomach damage is still there. And since I believe medication caused this mess, I have no desire to medicate this side effect of the medication.
I know Lord, you don’t usually fix my problems but you give me strength to bear up under them. Please Lord, give me strength. Thank you for giving me the strength to finish this blog. That was a major breakthrough.
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