After listening to the news yesterday, I found myself shaking my head about folks who… And that is a problem. Not their problem; it is mine. Time for a reality check.
If I think I am not influenced by my culture, I probably am. If I think I know more than those other folks, I probably don’t. If I wonder how anyone could “fill-in-the-blank”, I could easily be a victim of the same behavior. If I ponder how folks could fall for “fill-in-the-blank”, I may be the next to fall. If I think folks in a particular other state are all clueless, I may be the clueless one. If I think my kids would never, my kids are out there “nevering” right now behind my back. If I think folks who watch that other news channel, go to that other church, vote for the other party, attend that other school, have lesser education, or are from the other generation are brainwashed, it may be me who has been indoctrinated.
Every so often I get fed up with those other folks and that is when I am most dangerous. That is when I am the problem. People may be flawed in different ways, but we are all still flawed. I have come to realize that it is when I watch the news and spend time on social media that I get most pompous about my good choices and their bad choices. It makes me feel angry, uptight and hopeless. That is my sign to step away. But not only do I need to back off of the news and social media, I need desperately to engage with folks that are living in a different walk of life than me. I need to see them eye to eye and listen to their stories. This is the only hope for my judgmental condition. This is the only way I can learn to humble myself and dig out of my prideful existence.
I must periodically remind myself that God made us all. We live all over a big globe. We are raised in so many different cultures. There is not a culture that has the inside track on wisdom. Only our Creator has the inside track on wisdom. He is our source. And this can only happen if we will humble ourselves, give up our stiff-necked ways and bow before Him.
What if I don’t take care of everyone? What if I don’t finish my to-do list? What if I don’t control my mouth? What if I don’t control my insecurity? What if I don’t care for those in need? What if I don’t control my desire for revenge? What if I don’t pretend to like folks that are unlikeable? What if I don’t make myself get out of bed in the morning? What if I don’t ask forgiveness?
What if I give all of the above to God and relax? What if God does this all for me?
He does. He did. He will. Always.
Let go.
Matthew 11:28-30 NIV
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
I am a People Pleaser. This is not bragging. Far from it! This is a confession. Everyday I think about what more I could have done or how I could fix something. The problem is that I cannot shake loose of this destructive game. People who love me tell me to blow it off, let it go. They know. I work like a slave to please those around me and it is truly slavery of my soul.
I know now that my slavery began when I started my current job and is closely attached to my deep desire to help those I support. That, in itself, is not a bad thing until helping them consumes me and I cannot turn it off. The instant gratification of fixing someone’s problem has become my addiction. And if I can’t help them, I know someone who can, so I dog that poor soul to help solve the issue.(My apologies to my coworkers.)
The root of the problem is my values. I am placing more importance on what others think of me than what my Heavenly Father thinks. This is not a new problem and is nothing more than a form of idolatry, holding other’s opinions over God’s. God forgive me.
Being a people pleaser harms me and those closest to me. First, it destroys my relationship with God because I am listening to the people around me rather than the voice of my Father. There is not enough room in my head for both! Secondly, it can place a huge burden on those who are close to me to be responsible for my peace of mind. Just like family and friends know their loved ones are alcoholics, they also know when they are a people pleasing addicts. There are only so many hours in the day, or days in a life and when I am working extra hours to please, I am denying time with those I love. When I am ruminating over a problem at work, I could be fully present and enjoying my time with my loved ones. And last, it teaches those in my care to be the same way, perpetuating this slavery mindset to others.
I realize there needs to be a 12-step program for people pleasers. So here are my AA adapted steps:
PPA 12 Steps
1. I admit I am powerless over people pleasing—and that I am a slave to it.
2. Come to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself noting triggers for this behavior.
5. Admit to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. Be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove my shortcomings.
8. Be willing to admit that this harms myself and those closest to me, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Make direct amends to such people.
10. Continue to take personal inventory and when I am relapsing and promptly admit it.
11. Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.
12. Having spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I try to carry this message to other People Pleasers, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.
“Once you become a Christian you will always be kind and no longer be selfish and petty”.
what we thought…
Like this statement, so often the Christian life is portrayed as all butterflies and rainbows. While life with Christ is sweet, it is not easy. Non-Christians hold Christians to a higher standard and Christians themselves often believe they should no longer be tempted by desires that are unhealthy. So often we feel defeated by the temptation to make that nasty post even if we don’t do it. You may be surprised to know that even the Apostle Paul struggled with sin. To me, one of the most comforting passages of scripture is Paul’s letter to the Romans expressing his frustration with sin even after his conversion.
Romans 7:15-25 NIV I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do---this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
And this was written by a guy that sacrificed his life to spread the truth of Christ! I have found my Christian walk to be more like guns and roses rather than butterflies and rainbows. All weapons and beauty with thorns. It seems like the closer I walk with God, the more I see my penchant for selfishness and pride. So what are these weapons? Is there no relief from my broken, rebellious nature? Where are those roses when all I see are the thorns? Well, the Apostle Paul not only sinned but he seems to be an expert in thorns too.
The truth that we must remember is that Jesus loves us while we are broken. He gave his life for us while we were in this condition. What makes me think that he no longer expects me to sin now that I am a follower? This is not said as an excuse, but as a difficult struggle. The difference belief makes is that the desire of my heart has changed. This is what creates the tension I feel. And if I did not have this tension, I would have to question my faith. I believe God knows my heart and knows my struggle. While He does not remove the thorns, he considers me His own child and loves and forgives me.
Do I have any help living to this higher standard while struggling in this twisted world? Did God give me any weapons against my sinful nature, or am I left to fend for myself? Paul included this answer in his writings.
Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord's people.
And so it goes to reason that God wouldn’t give us these weapons from the Spirit if the Christian life was supposed to be easy. We are still haunted by our sinful nature but what we have been given from God is desire and weapons. Yes, weapons! And with the gifts of the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit we are more than conquerers through Him who loves us. Bring on the guns and roses!
I had a dream. Oh my dreams are not anything like those of Martin Luther King. My dream was quite silly and I can only recall the smallest bit of it right before I woke up. In my dream I was upset by how unfairly vampires like me were treated. Yep. Nothing like MLK. But it got me thinking about the injustice of so many different groups and I realized that there is no justice for anyone on this earth.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33 [NIV]
Recently, I caught myself being angered over the snubbing of female vocal artists in country music. Another instance of my righteous indignation is that I am angered by how teachers are treated in our society. And another pet peeve of mine is how good leaders are ignored even though they choose to step up when others shrink back and judge. But what good is my anger? It only makes me bitter. And that is a weapon of the Enemy. My gut response to my very justified anger is not helpful. It is destructive. Maybe I don’t kill people or tear down store fronts, but I destroy my own peace. And that drains the God-given serenity from my soul.
So how are Christians to handle injustice? Are we supposed to accept it and pretend it doesn’t exist? I’m so glad you asked, because the Bible has so much to say about this topic that it could never be addressed in this little blog. So I will just hit on a few points. To get the real deal, you need to read the Bible. It is full of stories of injustice and it offers practical advice on how to handle each.
One such story is that of David and Bathsheba. It is full of injustice! It takes place after David has become accepted as the reigning King of the Israelites and is sitting pretty in the throne. He sees a hot woman bathing on her rooftop and wants her.(And it is not like he doesn’t already have wives of his own.) Long story short, David summons Bathsheba who is another man’s wife, gets her pregnant, tries to cover it up in several different unsuccessful ways until he resorted to murder. This story has plenty of injustice to go around. But God sends a justifier. He sends Nathan the preacher, to confront David. Nathan does not go in shouting hellfire and brimstone even though David definitely deserved it. I think Nathan was sent by God to address this injustice because Nathan knew how to be smart and control his righteous indignation. Nathan chose to approach David with a story of injustice about another guy who did a similar thing as David. And it worked like a charm. David was livid at the perpetrator in the story. Then, ever-so respectfully, while David was most vulnerable, Nathan tells David that he was this man. Nathan was not out to avenge the wrongs committed to Bathsheba or her husband, his endgame was repentance and change.
I think Nathan can teach us all how to handle injustice. First and foremost he was called by God to do this. If it is not a calling of God. I should not touch it. And I will only know what is my calling if I stay in God’s word and speak with Him frequently. Second, Nathan was not defending an injustice done to himself but was looking out for others. He had no skin in this game. We are called as Christians to look out for others rather than ourselves. If the cause benefits me and mine, it may not be what I need to be addressing. Third, he could control his anger. This is something that is learned by practice. Anger only brings out angry responses rather than remorse. In the case of justifying injustices, anger is seldom an effective tool.
Nathan used his God-given wisdom to address the situation one-to-one, in a non-confrontational manner. And by Nathan’s preparation, obedience, and the power of the Most High God he was effective! David repented and changed his ways. And the last point: If revenge rather than repentance is what I am looking for, my heart is not ready to confront anyone.
Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
Romans 12: 19 [NIV}
So my take-away is that unless I am called and equipped by God, I do not need to handle injustices. I need to look for the injustice of others rather than myself and I need to check my anger at the door and be smart. Now is not the time to ignore social injustice but it is also not the time for vengeance. Now is the time to listen to what God is speaking into my heart and to defend the defenseless.
