Marriage: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

There are two kinds of relationships: those that make both people better, never to be the same again, and those that only drag both people under, never to be the same again.  As a disclaimer, I have been in both and once I was in the relationship, there was nothing I did to make one fail and one work.  The success or failure was in the initial decision.  While recently talking candidly with my posse, we shared our regrets of bad choices turning into bad marriages. This again reinforced my view that the initial choice is the key indicator of success.  

Thinking about how these good and bad marriages began, I realized there were a couple of things that made the difference. First, how level-headed were both partners thinking when they made the decision of a lifetime together?  If either partner made that decision under duress or had more focus on the upcoming ceremony than the lifetime together, there could be trouble. By the way, I’m sure everyone has jitters, but mostly excited jitters, not fearful jitters.  If either was worried about what people would think, that is another death knell.  On both sides, there should only be excitement of the adventure of a life with this person you have chosen.  And if the wedding ceremony is the last thing on your mind, that is a great start!

When I look back on my 32-year-old good marriage, I see how my husband has smoothed my rough edges, pushed me to try new endeavors and helped me come out of my shell.  And that is just me.  Whenever we see lifelong friends of my husband’s, they always comment on how I made him a better man.  

It is relationships that nurture both partners that we all seek so desperately: the kind that will improve both of you.  I don’t mean that you will go into it with a plan to “fix” each other’s flaws, because that is the opposite of the improvement I am talking about.  That is pie-in-the-sky ridiculous!  You must be perfectly happy with the person you are marrying as-is.  You get what you see.  I loved my husband just the way he was when we said “I do”.  I didn’t care if he ever changed.  To me, he was perfect and I was one lucky girl.  And I think I could say that he felt the same about me.  Our upgrades are just the fruit of a happy relationship. 

Do we fight?  Oh yeah!  But one of the first things I learned about my husband is that he fought fairly.  There were no low blows. He taught me that.  But yes, there have to be fights.  This is what made us better.  Iron sharpens iron. 

Proverbs 27:17 NIV

[17] As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.

But to sharpen a blade you must hit at the right angle, taking care never to dull the sharpened edge with a rogue blow.  That is so important in marriage!  Control your tongue even in a fight.  Consider it your job to protect your spouse’s ego.  If you don’t know how to do that, learn it together before you get hitched.  If you do, both of you will improve together.  

Another point is that both of you must feel like you are deserving of the other.  Each must be equal in the partner’s eyes, both made of the same stuff. My husband and I are so hard headed that it is more like diamond sharpening diamond, but as long as you are equally tough, one can sharpen the other.  

If you are equally crazy in love, equally tough, and know how to fight fairly, your relationship will stand a chance in this world. If you haven’t got this, it is best not to force it. That will only cause unnecessary pain and suffering.