Breakups

I am old enough to remember when the Beatles broke up.  It was blamed on John Lennon's wife, Yoko Ono.  I can also remember the breakup of Sonny and Cher, the Doobie brothers and Miranda and Blake.  Contrary to popular belief, I do not remember the “breakups” of Henry VIII.  (I took the liberty to qualify beheading as a breakup.) No matter your age, I’ll bet you could name a few too.  Breakups are a harsh reality of life and not just modern life. They happened back in the days of old. They are part of the human condition and life on earth.  In biblical times there was the vicious division of Joseph from his brothers and also there was Paul and Barnabas who went their separate ways for far less traumatic reasons.  

Breakups are a part of what makes life so dynamic. It is hard to get a grip on what path life will take next. Like shooting at an erratically moving target, we anticipate one direction only to find that life went off in an opposite tangent.  Although in some situations a breakup is a blessing, it is hard to see any good in most breakups.  They cause pain to all involved. Why do they happen?  The list of reasons is long and includes motivations varying from a deep convictions to infidelity.  

If the breakup is close to our circle of influence, our first instinct is to try to reverse the breakup. However, the harsh reality is that, unlike like the movie(s)Parent Trap, this seldom works.  We simply have to face the harsh reality.  It usually takes years to 
be 
ok with it and even still, there is that pang when we remember what used to be.  

Survivor’s guilt of those who are acquaintances of the persons who broke up is 
inevitable. My first gut reaction is wondering what I could have done to prevent the 
breakup. This is what children of divorce often have to deal with.  Deep down we know there is nothing that we did wrong and nothing we could have done differently. But it is hard to shake the self-recrimination. 

Another issue in dealing with breakups is, like the harsh treatment of Yoko Ono after the Beatles breakup, we chose to play the blame game, selecting one individual that appears most responsible. We see them in a position of culpability and chose to dump all our anger, regret and sadness on the shoulders of one individual.  This has seldom, 
if ever, proved to be true.  (So Yoko, you are off the hook in my eyes.) A breakup that was initiated by one individual often started with unfulfilled expectations and mistakes that were many years in the making. These unfulfilled expectations can be found in those who are both directly and indirectly involved and not just one individual. The blame game is dangerous in that our lives become jaded by bitterness when we chose this unforgiving route, giving the enemy a foothold in our heart. The debt we pay for bitterness is devastating, stealing both our mental and physical well-being.  

One of God’s best tricks is using what was meant for bad to accomplish good.  This is his speciality. He has been doing this since before Joseph’s brothers threw seventeen-year-old Joseph in a well, leaving him for dead. The story of Joseph in 
Genesis 37-50 is on my top ten all-time favorites! Spoiler alert: After many painful 
years, being ripped from his family, not knowing if he would live to see the next day, delivered by God time and time again, Joseph finally was given the opportunity to confront his cruel brothers from a position of power and he had the following to say.

      Genesis 50:20 NIV

      [20] You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish
      what is now being done, the saving of many lives.

Did you see it? There was not a trace of bitterness in him.  He was completely healed and focused on God, not on the evil act of his brothers.  Note also that many years had passed since his brothers threw him into a dry well.  

Surviving a breakup takes focus on God over time, maybe even a lifetime. I have found that forgiveness also takes time and dedication, giving it to God and letting it go over and over again.  Be patient with yourself and with God’s timing. He is good and one day you will realize he has been faithful to answer your prayers in a most surprising fashion. 

So how do we move on? Like the answer to all questions posed to children in bible school, the answer is Jesus or God.  We must stay in constant contact with the Healer.  Only he knows us better than we know ourselves. Through sincere seeking, He will reveal things that we could not see otherwise.  And remember, this healing from God may take a lifetime but if we will stick with him throughout, he will change us for the better.  This is how we move on.

Lord, help me accept the different pathways in those that I love, realizing it is ok.  You will be there for each of us if we chose you above all else. 

Changes

Have you ever witnessed the drama of a high school senior's last year in high school?  As a retired high school teacher and parent of three, I have.  Knowing of the impending departure makes parents and children act crazy! Most of the time both the parents and the soon-to-be graduates begin picking out faults in each other.  Then the hurtful words are returned and tears are shed. Sometimes it escalates to the point that parents are ready to slam the door shut when their child walks out yelling, don’t let the door hit ya’ where the Good Lord split ya’! Graduates and parents don’t really mean the hurtful things they say, they are just trying to work the band aid off slowly, hoping it will hurt less when the moment of loss actually arrives.  Graduation is just one example of major life changes.  Some others are a change of job, moving, marriage, divorce, retiring, changing schools or changing churches.  As adults in transition, we often begin picking at our current relationships in a way similar to what seniors in high school do, trying to anesthetize our loss.

I am a seasoned “transitioner”. In my 60 years, I have moved 27 times, changed employers over 20 times and witnessed 36 graduating classes.  If you are in a season of life changes, here are are my words of advice.  

1. Rein in your wandering mind. I think 2 Corinthians 10:5 applies here. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. It is so hard to stay in the present; sometimes the future is so much more exciting.  It is good and natural to be excited about your prospects. But now is the time to be present in the moment.  There is a time and place for everything. A good rule of thumb is if you physically haven’t stepped into the new place, do not spend time there mentally.  I hate to tell you, but most of your mental preparation will prove wrong anyway. At least mine always did. Stay in the present even if it is painful, boring and tedious. I have found the best way to stay present in the moment is to throw myself into the task at hand, striving for the best ever transition, leaving the place healthier than I found it.  Ecclesiastes 3:1,7 NIV [1] There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens: [7] a time to tear and a time to mend... The time to tear will come, and just like a band aid, rip it off quickly at the proper time and move on.
2. Remember you are not the only one who is going through this. Unfortunately, this is where I always blew my exit. I forgot that the people I love are forced into this transition by my decision and may feel hurt and resentment.  Reach out to them with love.  Let them know how much you will miss them in deeds, not mere words.  And I mean...seek them out. Spend time with them. Actions speak so much louder than words.  And remember the saying, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the ones you are with.”
3. Trust God’s provision for the actual moment when you step out the door.  A big part of the reason we mishandle goodbyes is because we are anxious about the future.  Remind yourself of the command in Philippians 4:6-7. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, submit your requests to God. And the peace of God which passes all understanding will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus. I love this passage because it is not just a command, but a simple recipe on how to carry it out. Pray and be thankful. This will result in peace from God that will guard your anxious heart and mind.  

Lord I ask that you give me grace to let those I love leave and the presence of mind to love and spend time with those that are still with me.

Great Men and Kidney Stones

My husband and I were in the emergency room the other day and heard a patient in the hall going ballistic on the doctors and nurses.  My husband, who was laying there in pain with a large kidney stone, said “If I was the doctor, I would order that guy an enema.”  I had to bust out laughing right there in the ER. That is my husband and a great guy.  He knows right from wrong even when he is out of his mind with pain.  He never waivers.  He is a rock.  

God has blessed my life with great men.  My husband, my dad, and my father-in-law are the great men in my life. I know that most people feel lucky to have just one. I am truly blessed!

I lost my dad in March of 2013. One of his favorite scriptures was 3 John 1:4 (NIV) I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth. Dad was sweet, kind and tender hearted. His eyes had a deep softness that I still miss. He loved and watched every sport. He could not fix anything yet had a way with gardens that was magical.  He would bounce babies on his knee until his knee gave out. He loved animals and had a God-given way with them.  He was a die-hard Southern Baptist minister who believed drinking was a sin and knew the Bible like the back of his hand. He was a highly educated deep thinker and loved to study. He had opinions and nothing could rock them.  

My brilliant father-in-law can fix or build anything and he is the hardest working guy I know. He is a seeker of knowledge and has a strong flexible mind. He loves discussing the uncomfortable subjects like religion, politics and money. After a lively topical debate, he is able to change his point of view when he sees that it needs changing.  He loves nature, fishing and camping and lives to enjoy his time with the people he loves.  He (and my mother-in-law) has taught me a thing or two about loving people as they are and not how we want them to be.  

There could be no two dads more different than my dad and my father-in-law. When I line them up side by side it is almost comical how different they are!  These two dads are each amazing on their own, but together, they tell quite a story.  They are both great at being a father, yet are as different as red and green.  These men in my life do have one thing in common. They love and respect God and yield to His higher authority.

Thank you Lord for the blessings of great men in my life. Thank you for the legacy they are leaving with their children and grandchildren.

What I Don’t Know

My very excellent mother just ordered us nine pizzas. Well yeah, pizza is Pluto and it is no longer a planet, but I digress. This mnemonic device is how we learned our planets in grade school. Did you know that the common belief was once that planet Earth was the center of the solar system? I am sure it must have been a state-mandated test question to many educated boys back in the day.  Then in the 16th century Galileo's research revealed that the Sun was in fact the center of our solar system. Good Christian folks were appalled and condemned him of heresy for his belief that the Earth moves around the sun rather than the belief that the Earth was the center of the universe. Looking back we can see his accuser’s error, but at the time they were fully convinced that the Earth was the center of the universe, felt they had biblical proof, and felt the need to push this belief on others. How we handle the information that we think we know matters!

I have noticed that it is not what we think we don’t know, but what we think we know, that is the most dangerous. I am not talking about our belief in God or any of the beliefs that keep us grounded in Christ.  I am talking about the small stuff that is not directly addressed in scripture. And honestly, that is what the enemy uses so often to trip Christians up. It is when we stubbornly cling to our personal beliefs even though the evidence is questionable, that presents the problem.  It is when our minds are snapped shut, unable to contemplate anything outside of our small world that is the big issue. 

Have you ever taken a moment to consider what you don't know?  This can be very humbling. There are so many books I have not read. So many places I have not traveled and cultures I have never experienced that it makes my head spin. How can any one person, in all the days of his life, hope to understand even a small corner of this world we live in?  Consider the mystery of time. How can a single day in pain seem longer than the time it takes Earth to travel around the sun? Or how can time with the ones we love move faster than greased lightning? And how about anticipation? I know Carole King sang about it, but what is better—planning and imagining that sought-after event, or the actual event? So many times my anticipation is so much more fun than the actual event! Another mystery is human thought. “What were they thinking?” That is often my question when watching the evening news. Thoughts really do rule us, yet where do they come from and where do they go when they are never voiced and are forgotten? After all, we can never fully understand the person that spends a lifetime next to us so how can we expect to understand people who speak another language, live in a different continent and never share the same experiences? There is so much any one human can’t know. Even the most brilliant minds could not begin to scratch the surface.

Jesus taught about how to handle the information we think we know, information that is dictated by our culture in which we live. When a woman who was caught in adultery by the teachers of the law, was brought before Jesus, he did not try to straighten out the accusers' thinking on the subject. They wanted to stone her, because that was the belief and practice of that society. Jesus’ response was not to point out that "it takes two to tango" nor did he forcefully demand that they not stone her for her crime. In his divine wisdom, he did the following.  John 8:7 NIV[7] When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” When they all dropped their stones and left, the perfect Jesus, who had every right, did not condemn her either. So if Galileo’s accusers simply followed the example of Jesus, and dropped their accusations, that travesty would not have happened. 

It is when I have a firm conviction or point of view that I am in danger of making the gravest of errors. I am talking about convictions that are not directly addressed in the Bible, things that the Holy Spirit has laid on my heart for me and me personally. This may not be something that needs to be pushed on others. It may be meant for only me. We all do not need to agree on everything. Perspective is so important. I often have to remind myself that I really don’t know very much. I am here on this planet for a speck of time and my hope is that I send out ripples of Christ-like love and kindness that will continue long after my life is over. This perspective makes it easier to stop myself from making Galileo-accuser sized errors in judgement. I must drop my stone of judgement and learn to accept others as God loved and accepted me.

Lord help me remember that the Bible equates your name first and foremost with love and it is this very love that saves me from condemnation.  

The Unopened Gift

pic by macieJ326 in Pixabay

The Holy Spirit is the most mysterious part of the Trinity.  We are told of God and the ways he worked from Genesis to Revelation. We have evidence of Jesus life on Earth, of his death and resurrection.  The Spirit of God or Holy Spirit is mentioned throughout the Old Testament but not in a descriptive way. In the book of John, Jesus stated that he was leaving the Holy Spirit with us.  

John 14:25-26 NIV

[25] “All this I have spoken while still with you. [26] But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.

The Holy Spirit is addressed primarily in the New Testament and his activity was first noted extensively in Acts. Still, He remains mysterious to many Christians. From what we do know, it is the Holy Spirit that is closest to us. As Jesus said, He is our advocate. 

An online dictionary gives these synonyms for advocate:  champion, upholder, supporter, backer, promoter, proponent, protector, spokesperson for, speaker for, campaigner for, fighter for, battler for, crusader for, missionary, reformer, pioneer, and pleader. 

Now who couldn’t use that?  How blessed we are as followers of Christ!  According to my understanding, when you surrender your life to follow Christ, the Holy Spirit enters and becomes a ride-along passenger in your heart.  However, the free choice thing still stands.  You can choose to ignore Him and He will be quiet.  But should you choose to develop your listening skills, you will hear his voice.  His voice will strengthen you, guide you and comfort you through this very difficult Christian trek on Earth. He will place peace in your heart when all around you is turmoil. So how do you develop this incredible resource?  I will share some of my journey with you.

Even though I invited Christ into my life at a very young age, I was seldom aware of the presence of the Holy Spirit for most of my life. I was not tuned in to Him.  Did he leave me because I ignored him for so long?  Praise the Lord, no.  He remained there, an unopened gift.  So how did I begin unwrapping this gift?  It was through prayer and searching.  In the last ten years of my life, I have been on a mission to discover what He has for me.  I set aside time to read my Bible, pray, confess my sins daily, and read reliable literature.  I am even trying to memorize verses which is the hardest thing in the world for my forgetful 60 year old mind. (I found out there is an app for that!)  I listen to messages given about every topic in the Bible and I sing and dance to songs of praise.  This seeking God is the most important part of my life now.  It has become my priority.  

This has changed me.  It has changed my view on many topics. It has changed how I interact with my world.  Don’t think for a minute that it has changed my world.  My daily challenges are as daunting as ever.  Some days I feel like I am under attack.  However, I am aware of the most amazing weapon in this battle.  You guessed it, the Holy Spirit.  He gives me power that I never had on my own, power to overcome the chains of habits and hang ups.  He provides me with wisdom and direction when I listen.  I am learning to distinguish the sound of His voice from the sound of the accuser’s voice.  The more I listen, the more I hear.  I am so excited to hear what he has to say that I look forward to the next encounter.

If you have more questions about the Holy Spirit and how He speaks to you, I recommend the book, Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer.  In that book, she answered so many questions that I have always struggled to understand and helped me open this beautiful, priceless gift that was left for me.