Poison

This blog is not intended to give the impression that my life is all smooth and perfect. My life in Christ is messy. It is not a beautiful linear pathway to heaven. Today’s blog speaks of my most recent struggle in which there have been many days where I do not listen to God. It speaks of my humanity and flaws. Honestly, I have found life in Christ to be full of difficulties. It most certainly is not the easy road.

In July I felt convicted to break a personal bad habit. To help break my bad habit, I added the memorization of scripture into my quiet time. And to keep myself accountable, I daily assessed the success of the previous day. At first, I saw positive changes and was encouraged. Then stress entered from stage left and it was not long before failures turned to the harsh voices from my past. These voices started gaining a new grip on my mind. These voices had the ability to raise memories from the bottom of the ocean of my thoughts. They demeaned and accused and left me in tears. They attacked when I least suspected it and when I was most vulnerable. And as the calendar rolls into September, my bad habit is not conquered and these critical voices are a distraction and a thorn in my side. 

Occasionally, this evil retreats leaving nothing but beautiful blue skies and the precious voice of my Savior telling me how he loves me. Then, without warning, they march in and siege my mind once again. Yes, there are names for this issue. Just throw it in the pile with all the other labels. Naming it does not help. It is my gift from the heartless Enemy. That slimy lizard loves to pull this crap! But you know what? He is not as powerful as my God. And I know that my God will march in and kick that name-calling bully in the tail. When? I don’t know. That is faith talking and not my reality. My reality is survival mode.

Then this happened. This song was placed in my path. Here it is.

Sound of Surviving by Nichole Nordeman

I am reminded that only a life of bravery and challenge experiences failure and that I was never promised an easy life with no hardship; even if the hardship is dealing with myself. I am reminded to be brave. Sometimes the bravest thing I can do is to keep on keeping on. So here I am blogging, working and striving to break my personal chains.

Psalm 25:3-5 ESV[3] Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. [4] Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. [5] Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.

My prayer today is that I will listen for Your voice, Lord. Please quiet my demons. I will not give up hope. You are on your way to rescue me. You always do. You are my hero.

A Fresh New Sunrise

There are painful moments that define everyone’s life.  This is what my current Bible study by Lisa Harper about Job has been digging through.  This process has been tearful and healing beyond belief.  It has been therapy for my soul.  

Before this study, I always minimized my scars, swept them under the rug, and moved on.  I never thought they affected my current reality until the prying questions in Lisa’s book forced me to look at my pain.  That is when God connected the dots in my mind. I traced some breadcrumbs of current bitterness all the way back to my childhood.  I finally admitted to myself and to God that those multiple abrasions of childhood where indeed very unfair and a big burden for a small child. I realized that I wasn’t being a whiner-baby over something insignificant!  The fact that I remember that pain decades later is enough to tell me that I endured significant hardship as a child.  Knowing many children have had it worse, I always felt unworthy to cry about what I went through, but 55 years later I finally cried tears visualizing myself as a child enduring my lot in life. 

Through this process I realized that it is impossible to heal when you refuse to admit that you were wronged.  You just continue building bitterness every time the memory rears it’s ugly head.  But I also realize that only God can heal and being aware of this helps me remember to bring it to him whenever I feel that sting.  Now I must let go and lay it in the Father’s lap, walking away to a fresh new sunrise.  

Thank you Lord, for being my healer.