Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts

Friday, January 3, 2025

The Facade

 Far too often I have stomped my foot and said “I will never”.  No one has ever said to me, “You know, you need to be more decisive.” But through these last few years I have discovered a beauty and growth that changing my mind can bring about. 

At the ripe old age of ten, I thought it would be beyond horrible to live in a stucco house. Then my family moved to New Mexico. Since then I have been blessed to live in many stucco houses including the one I live in now. Looking back I see how silly I was. I see now how my own rules and preferences limited my choices for no reason. How many blessings have I missed because of my silly personal rules and pig-headed mindset? 

In the Bible, being stiff-necked is not a desirable attitude. So why do we often see flexibility and changing our mind as a personality flaw? We unflatteringly label those who change their minds as wishy-washy. We forget that listening to the Holy Spirit to guide us requires a pliable mindset. Instead of drawing so many lines in the sand maybe we could open the door to be blessed with friendship, joy and new perspectives. 

We laugh about the ridiculous number of rules that the Jewish Pharisees followed but how many do we try to follow to live in polite society? Never double dip; always answer I’m fine how are you; answer yes ma’am and yes sir; wipe your feet before you walk in the door; tip the wait staff; wipe down the shower door after you use it; pick up the dog poop when you walk your dog; open the door for people; offer to help in the kitchen; give your seat to those who are elderly and this list could continue to well over 613! Rules we follow in polite society can be overwhelming. But these are not the rules that this blog is about. It is about those personally chosen inner rules. 

It is about the ones that sound like “I won’t ever”. The “I won’t evers” cover choices about what we eat, drink, drive, and where we live, what we do for a living, who we hang out with, church attendance, schools we attend, clothes we wear and our favorite pastimes. All of these things are legitimate choices we have to make. 

What if we removed all the “I will never” lines we made in the sand? Would we turn into a bunch of liberal hippies living in a commune or would we be more open to what the Holy Spirit has in store for us? What if we considered eating something that we have sworn we would never eat? What if we considered going to a church we said we would never attend, going to a school that is not special or elite, wearing an outfit that doesn’t suit our age, hanging out with someone with whom we wouldn’t normally associate, driving a vehicle from that company that we don’t like or taking a new job living somewhere we never would consider. Would that make us out of control or would that allow the Holy Spirit to shine through making us happier people with lots of choices? Many times the rules we make for ourselves are the toughest ones to break. They are a prison of our choosing. 

Blessed, broken and forgiven: These are the actions Jesus made when he initiated the covenant of the last supper. He does the blessing and forgiving. Maybe we need to spend a little more time on the truth of our brokenness. If, like me, you have always seen changing your mind as a weakness, maybe it is time that you take the first step to stop the facade of strength, and begin living in truth as flexible, broken, forgiven and joyful. 

Monday, April 29, 2024

Hold on Loosely

 In church last Sunday I heard this quote and it resonated with me. In fact, so much so that I can’t get it off of my mind. So, naturally, I must blog about it.

What makes the temptation of power so seemingly irresistible? Maybe it is that power offers an easy substitute for the hard task of love. It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life.

Henri Nouwen

This could possibly be the number one relationship pitfall. It happens between parents and children, spouses, friends, bosses and employees, and relatives.

I look at how God designed our universe. He always left the choices to us to accept or reject. He gave us instructions for success then he stepped back. He lets us fail yet he always lovingly welcomes us back into his open arms if we choose. He demonstrated the difference in love vs. control. I wonder how they seem to be opposites yet somehow one easily morphs into the other. Love holds on with a loose but unending hold accepting the other person, warts and all. It never lets go no matter the choices of the loved. It never looks away. It never gives up. See 1 Corinthians 13 for a refresher.

Control holds on with a suffocating grip. It lets go when the controlled doesn’t follow directives, lacks oxygen and in a desperate struggle for air, they have no choice but to break free and leave the controller. So power effectively suffocates love. What love and control have in common is relationship. They often feel the same to the controller. And sometimes what starts as love gradually becomes control. Control is an if-then relationship. Love is a no-matter-what relationship. Control happens slowly and leads to the demise of so many relationships.

If I could master this one thing, my relationships would be so much smoother. I believe that boundaries are needed to pull this off. These boundaries get breached one by one in long term relationships and I must learn to step back before it is too late. Look at the wisdom of 38 Special! I have sung these lyrics so many times but never stopped to listen to the message.

Hold on Loosely by 38 Special

You see it all around you
Good lovin' gone bad
And usually it's too late when you, realize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago (who told me)

Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tightly
You're gonna lose control

Your baby needs someone to believe in
And a whole lot of space to breathe in
It's so damn easy, when your feelings are such
To overprotect her, to love her too much
And my mind goes back to a girl I left some years ago (who told me)
Just hold on loosely
But don't let go
If you cling too tight babe
You're gonna loose control

And usually it's too late when you realize what you had

Source: LyricFind
Songwriters: James Peterik / Jeff Carlisi / Richard Donald Barnes

So what makes love such a hard task? Boundaries. Letting go when I know what will happen if my loved one makes the wrong choice. Keeping my mouth shut when my experience sees the pitfalls right in front of my partner. Letting my child make stupid mistakes and not saying “I told you so”. Being there to hold them after they have made those wrong choices. Oh, but this is so hard!

Remember the father in the Prodigal Son? He held on loosely.