Is it possible to be undone and then put back together in a better way? Yes! I know this can happen.
Here is my story.
I was raised as a church-going, straight-walking, clean-talking Southern Baptist girl. (Okay, maybe not that clean-talking.) I went to church at least three times a week from birth. I fell in love with Jesus while in my youth group at my church. My whole life was among my Christian circle of family and friends. Until…
_____
My Stupidity and Stubbornness Caught Up with Me
At the young age of 18, I made a series of bad choices and ended up locked into marriage to a guy who had no love for me. After we were married he said he didn’t love me and showed this in many non-physical yet gut-wrenching ways. Because I messed up, I figured I deserved this, and because I was brought up to believe that marriage vows were never to be broken, I was looking at a life sentence in this sad existence. I lost contact with all my people. I could longer could go to church or family for solace, and I began to see church looking in from the outside.
Every day for seven years I pleaded with God to heal my marriage. I went to a year or two of Christian counseling, and yet while I repeatedly grasped at any snippet of hope, nothing really ever changed. I was trapped and alone, and there was no way out that my belief system would approve.
Then one day my husband told me he was leaving me and my two girls. Even though I was heartbroken at the time, I will be forever grateful to God for this. Within one week, I felt the cool, fresh breeze of relief. I no longer had to try to entice him to love me. I no longer had to hopelessly strive to earn his love. Just like that, a seven-year burden was lifted from my shoulders. I felt mental and even physical relief. God answered my prayer in that He used this evil for my good. Even now, over 40 years later, there isn’t a day that goes by that I am not grateful for this second chance at life and love.
_____
D.I.V.O.R.C.E. is a Four Letter Word???
But divorce went against the teachings of my upbringing. A close family member strongly suggested to my parents that they should disown me for this. Thank the Lord, my parents did not disown me. However, I was ashamed of the pain and embarrassment this caused them and I never asked them for any help, even though I sorely needed it. I would not and could not lean on them for support. I found that lack of child support and digging through the couch for money to buy the next gallon of milk was easy compared to living with someone who didn’t love me.
_____
Let Me Be Clear
Life on earth is not for wimps. When the Bible says God uses all things, those things are not all good things. Much of what I endured was born from sinful choices of myself and others. But all difficulties are not caused by bad choices. Some things happen because there is an adversary, and many horrible circumstances are straight from hell. And sadly, injustices happen, but there is nothing that can’t be turned around and used for the glory of God.
_____
Undone and Redone
It was the isolation that was the biggest challenge. This is the experience that undid me. Part of this isolation was because of my shame over my bad choices and how they affected my innocent children. I built a wall to protect myself from others. With the eyes of an outsider, I saw the looks and heard the false rumors about me. Because of this treatment, I began to question everything I once held as truth.
_____
What God Did
It is difficult to confront your own misguided beliefs, realizing much of what you held as truth was really self-reliance and rule-following. In the Bible, dogmatism is referred to as being stiff-necked. I asked that I learn to never kick another while they are suffering. This truth-seeking process brought about a tenderness and understanding that were not a part of my DNA. It was like learning to walk again. But it resulted in freedom! It is for freedom that Jesus forgave me and set me free! God took my rigid, legalistic ideas and exchanged them for love and understanding. He put me back together better than before. It was Susan 2.0.
So off I went with a joyful new spring in my step. I moved my girls to a new town where I had my first full-time job teaching. Times were tough, but God provided over and over again. I was leaning into Him because He was all I had to carry me through the next day. And carry me, He did! I’ll say it again. God’s love, mercy, and gift of peace were in this difficult time of my life in a palpable way.
_____
Here is a picture of the day God gave me a second chance at love. God is so good!
_____
When I look back, I see the good that God brought about from living through other low blows life has given me. It is from these difficulties that I grew up and learned. I often wonder, if I hadn’t gone through this, would I have ever softened? Without this learning opportunity, would I have been destined to become one of those opinionated old church ladies? I am a witness to God’s using all things to work together for His good. From each bump in the road, God brought about a closer relationship with Him. And if He did this for me, He can do it for anyone. In fact, I hope that you can look back at a point in life where you blew it. It is a pathway to leaning into the Father.
Here is a very fitting song. Scars by I Am They
